Rules for being a Republican

Heh. Rules for Being a Republican. A little spiteful and sometimes sacrafices fact for wry humor, but still kinda funny in places.

1. You must believe that being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime - unless you're a millionaire right wing radio personality; then, it's an "illness" and requires prayer for "recovery".

2. You must believe that those born to privilege achieve success all on their own.

3. You must believe that folks who work for their money should be taxed at a higher rate than those who inherit theirs.

4. You must agree that racking up huge amounts of debt to future generations is worth the few thousand extra in tax breaks you give to your wealthy "investors."

5. You must believe that the US should pull out of the UN, but that our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

6. You must believe that government should stay out of people's lives, except to punish anyone having private sex with the "wrong" gender.

7. You must believe that pollution is ok, so long as it's profitable.

8. You must support prayer in schools, as long as no one is allowed to pray to Allah or Buddha.

9. You must believe that "Standing Tall for America" means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

10. You must believe that a woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but that large multi-national corporations can be trusted to make decisions affecting all mankind with no regulation whatsoever.

11. You must love Jesus and believe that Jesus loves you, and that He shares your hatred of the poor, homosexuals, and the Clintons.

12. You must hate the ACLU for representing convicted felons, and believe they owed it to the country to bail out Oliver North.

13. You must believe that the best way to increase the morale of the military is to serve turkey and empty praise to the troops overseas, while cutting their VA benefits.

14. You must be willing to believe that group sex and drug use are degenerate sins that can only be purged by running for office as a Republican.

15. You must see the "wisdom" in keeping condoms out of schools, because without condoms, there will be no sex among teenagers.

16. You must agree that the best way to fight terrorism is to alienate our allies, rattle our saber to the rest of the world and then demand their cooperation and money.

17. You must agree that government-run health care is a disaster, while insurance companies only care about giving you the best darn health care there is, damn the profit. You must also believe that providing health care to Iraqis is good policy, while providing it to Americans is a "Socialist plot."

18. You must agree that the link between tobacco and cancer is "dubious," that claims of global warming are "junk science" and that creationism has a sound scientific basis that should be part of all school curricula.

19. You must believe that waging war with no security or exit strategy was wrong in Vietnam but right in Iraq.

20. You must agree that Saddam Hussein was a good guy when Reagan was sending him arms, a bad guy when he invaded Kuwait, a good guy again when Cheney did business with him at Halliburton, and then a bad guy again when Bush decided that a war in Iraq would be a very lucrative deal for his "investors."

21. You must believe that the Bill of Rights is absolute in the case of the Second Amendment, but the rest of the document is negotiable.

22. You must agree that the adulterous affairs of Democrats require public embarrassment and impeachment, while those of Republicans are a private matter, and excusable because, well, "boys will be boys" (or girls) You are also required to ascribe to the notion that the Clintons' business deals are major breaches of the public trust, while the fact that Dick Cheney is still being paid by Halliburton, which is now getting billions of your tax dollars, is simply not a big deal.

23. You must agree that lying about a country in order to start a war is simply how you do business, and no one should be upset by it.

24. You must believe that everything that Democrats do should be public knowledge, but that the public has no right to know anything that Republicans do.

25. You must always deride a Democrat's changes of mind and philosophy as a "flip-flop," while referring to those of fellow Republicans as "growth."

26. You must openly support "state rights," except when John Ashcroft wants to force local libraries to turn over their records or Tom DeLay wants to impose new districts because he doesn't like election results.

27. You must agree that the outcome of an election is always more important than making sure everyone got to vote and that all votes were counted.

28. You must agree that income tax cuts for the rich are good for the economy, while payroll tax cuts for the working class are bad. Furthermore, you must believe that making sure that the rich have a few extra dollars in their pockets is good for the economy, while raising the minimum wage is detrimental.

29. You must believe that trade with Communist Cuba is wrong, while increasing trade with China is perfectly fine.